Senses test

Circa 2000BC:

The wild turkey is domesticated by humans.

Pre 1127:

In Europe, the minimum punishment for harming a turkey was 1 day of ostracization.

October 19th, 1127:

A lone unnamed turkey kills Sir Longfellow Givings.

November 11th, 1368:

Pope George IV officially canonizes Saint Givings for being killed by a turkey.

November 19th, 1493:

Christopher Columbus introduces the turkey to the new world.

November 11th, 1620:

In defiance of European rule, the pilgrims celebrate Saint Givings day by killing and eating an unnamed turkey.

November 12th, 1620:

Turkeys are pissed.

November 13th, 1620:

The Turkey War of 1620 begins.

November 22nd, 1773:

The Turkey War of 1620 ends dramatically when a TurkeyCyborg is reprogrammed in the future to go back in time and kill the leader of the Turkey resistance.

November 1st, 1811:

President Garfield declares the fourth Thursday of every November as Saints Givings day.

November 29th, 1811:

President Garfield shoots and kills a Turkey named Odie. Garfield eats Odie.

November 13th, 1901:

Hallmark renames Saints Givings Day to Thanksgiving as a marketing move.

Present Day:

Thanksgiving is renamed "Eat Turkey and Shop Tomorrow" day.

November 26th, 2012:

Terminator 6, Odie the Turkey Judges Humanity is released to theaters.

November 27th, 2012:

Turkey Cyborgs are sold for $9.95 when five greeting cards are purchased.

November 28th, 2012:

Turkey Cyborgs eat humanity and rename the holiday to "Saint Odie Day".

License plate seen on a flashy red car today: "67ATE9."

*chuckle*

Saw this license plate today: "LEXTESY." I'm sure you can guess what kind of car it was.

You are an enzyme. You are powerful, dark,
variable, and can change many things at your
whim...even when they're not supposed to be
changed. Bad you. You can be dangerous or
wonderful; it's your choice.

Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

In honor of some incredible quotes given by the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, I give you "What if they replaced chocolate with beef?":

1. A medium ground-beef milkshake.
2. A can of beef-covered ants.
3. A bowl of Count Beefula cereal. After you eat the cereal, you can sip the now-beefy milk.
4. Beef-chip cookies.
5. Creamy beef-mousse.
6. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Serendipitously, Harry Reese dropped a butchered cow into a vat of peanut butter. A new candy was born.
7. Multi-purpose beef syrup.
8. Beef-covered strawberries are dead-sexy.
9. A kosher-friendly 1lb Milk-beef bar, with peanuts (warning for those with peanut allergy: contains peanuts).

• Egg nog
• Corn on the cob
• Chicken and dumplings
• Deviled eggs

Replace the italicized words with the word 'pudding'. For extra points, name other foods that are nogged, on the cob, with dumplings, or deviled.

Sorry. I know I should have mentioned this earlier in the day. Now it may be too late. Avoid yellow, today. Avoid it at all costs. This is your final warning.

Pass this one on, you forwarding freaks!

Today, I got in the trunk of Geena's car just to make sure her glow-in-the-dark trunk release handle was working properly. It functioned to my satisfaction.

But some of you might not read it, and I was amused enough with this picture to post it here, too.

Via The Sars Art Project.

1. What was little Tarot when he was first given his name?

keep reading...

One time, while working at the Bradley University Computer Hotline, I wanted to test the microphone of a Macintosh. I could have hit the record button, and said "Testing testing, 1 2 3". I could have said "Hi. Did this work?". I could have said "This is a recording". There are lots of useless-throwaway things I could have said, but I didn't say any of those things.

keep reading...

After an industrial accident involving 200kg of Head & Shoulders Shampoo, 30 Bamboo branches, and a 4 month-old Devon Rex kitten, 2 super villains were born.

keep reading...

The beginner casts his eye about the chess board, looking lovingly at his well-manicured Knights, his pointed Bishop and all powerful Queen.

With a sudden gleam he thrusts a pawn forward! Ooops! He tries another. Phew! That one was legal.

When it's his turn to move again, he proudly moves his Rook. Such daring! Such wit!

signed,
ChessMaster 9000

Today, when I woke up at 8:30 (am :)), I remembered the very end of my dream. In the dream, President GWB was snowboarding in some half-pipes. I wish I could remember how well he did, but I can't. Anyways, he was going up and down the half-pipes, and then some other snowboarder came out of nowhere and collided with our president.

Soon after seeing that odd scene, I heard the news (still in my dream), and they said the President was "clipped" by an unknown assassin, and went on to say GWB was dead.

keep reading...

Say "meow" 15 times really fast.

keep reading...

Nope, not the bun you eat. Well, my cat does like to eat my hair. I got my hair cut today and had her put it in a bun just for grins and giggles.

I want to sell something strange, weird, and large (small) on E-bay! Here's some inspiration. What do you say? What should I try to sell? I'll do it! ™

Note: i will sell this under geena's account, so geena must approve. she's a good sport, though, so she'll let me sell most anything as long as the buyer is happy and gives her a good feedback rating.

I beg you not to click on the image.

BTW, do not click on the image.

Why is that baby crying?

One day, there was a dog named Craigee. There was something special about that 60 pound green dog. You see, Craigee was a hip dude. He was well versed in all of the latest hip hop badonka donk. When it came to donk, all of the other dogs truly admired Craigee's unbridled enthusiasm. But when it came to helping Santa Claus bite burglars, Craigee was no help, at all.

Chapter 2. The Badonka Dilemma

*bark*

*ruff*

*bark bark*

*ruff*

Chapter 3. The Inspiration of Perspiration

Craigee ran and ran and ran. All of the other dog's were making fun of him. Why are they making fun of Craigee? Because Craigee is green, and barks instead of ruffs. Regardless of Craigee's knowledge of hip hopped badonka, the other dogs still made fun of him.

But then one day, Craigee ran and ran farther and faster than he ever ran before. The other dogs tried to chase him down and bite his tail, but Craigee was too fast. But besides being too fast for the other dogs, there was one other thing that kept the other mean puppy perps at bay: sweat! The faster Craigee ran, the faster Craigee perspirated (through his mouth). All the saliva sweat ran down Craigee's cheek and formed a long trench of salisweat. *slip* *slide* *sladongle*. Each dog would *bark*, and then slip down to the ground right before they could latch onto Craigee's tail.

Craigee was sure teaching all of those other dogs a lesson they would never forget.

Chapter 4. Santa Claus

Craigee's new super-perspirating powers would not go unnoticed by Mr. St. Nick. Santa always had his eyes open for new big dogs that could bite the burglars. Our hero, Craigee, was found.

Chapter 5. The Christmas Miracle

This story ends.

Merry Christmas!

A few of these are relatively funny when you say them backwards:

Anybody want to bid on some used diapers? Kev? Car?

I got a phone call from my bank while I was eating my dinner. The woman said hello and asked me if I'm who I am. I said yes. I thought maybe she was going to tell me something important about my account, so I didn't hang up. Then she said something like this:

"You may be interested in the blah blah money blah blah insurance blah blah important blah blah winnie the pooh blah blah David Hasselhoff blah blah you gotta get this or someone will steal all yer stuff and kill you and then shave your cat."

That took her like 90 seconds to say. I didn't even have to say "Mm Hmm". She just talked. At the end of her cat-shaving speech, she said she just needed to confirm my name and address to sign me up. I said Ok. So she reads off my full name and spells it out. I told her she spelled it completely wrong. She asked me what was wrong. I said all of it. She asked me to spell out my first name:

• b ...
• a ...
• l ...
• l ...
• s.

I corrected her like three times, until she finally got it right. And she was having problems with some crazy menu's in her software, because it was taking her a really long time to finally get it typed in right. I was pulling out arm hair to keep from cracking up. Then she asked if my last name was Ok. I said no. I spelled my last name:

• h...
• a (voice cracking)

I couldn't speak anymore without foaming at the haha's. She read it back as 'h', 'a', and then I hung up.

The last time they called, I told them to take me off their calling list. You gotta wonder whether this kind of treatment will be more effective.

You gotta love Yahoo News Photo's:

There are now 5 pounds of jello on the counter. A few minutes ago, there were only 4.8 pounds. I added some more to see what would happen. I don't think anything happened. Should I add more to see what will happen? I gotta feeling about that jello. Please comment.

"Howdy"

I was just sittin' there on the bench. I didn't like talking to anyone when I was sittin' on the bench.

"Howdy friend"

Long pause.

"Howdy friend. I like yer belt straps. Me and me frog sure do like you-all's belt straps".

When he talked, his saliva shot through the air. I glanced over at his face and it was filled with craggles. The craggles were wrinkled.

"Why you sittin' on this bench?"

The man leaned at me and half yelled,

"I SAID, Why you sittin' on this bench?"

Ok, he repeated his question. He meant business, now. I was incredulous, but I answered.

"ruff"

-- Roughly translated, that means "I'm a dog, and I'm not wearing any belt straps".

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

*pause*

A 50" plasma Teee Veee.

Step 1. It's clear out.

That's all I can think of. Never mind.