Fitting Out (Odd Musings)
A few nights ago, I went to a "dinner party." It was at the house of one of my coworkers and included 4 other RN's that work on my shift and their husbands. Not my husband, of course, because it's a social situation and all. I understood this perfectly; he'd had a stressful week at work and didn't want to go spend the evening at some place he'd never been talking to people he'd never met before.
I was expecting a really laid-back evening, because I know the 4 other nurses so well. And it was fairly laid-back. Maybe not as much as I expected, however.
It was at this absolutely beautiful house. The kind of house that has a formal dining and living room. There were candles on the table. And everyone but me drank wine. (Wine!) I don't mind wine, but I have my reasons for not drinking it (none of which involve my current procreative status, thankyouvermuch). I drank orange juice. When everyone toasted at dinner (toasted!), I was the only one without a wine glass.
So although I know half of these other people, I was sort of in a situation that was a little weird for me. More formal than I had been expecting. I felt really out of it when the conversation turned to all the other countries everyone else had visited and lived in. I went to the Bahamas once in high school, but that's about it. And one could hardly call that world travel :) I didn't have anything at all to contribute to the conversation (although I really enjoyed listening to it), which always labels me as "the quiet one." In fact, we never really did converse about much as a group that I COULD contribute to.
I suppose I could mention that I am 28, and the other 8 people were above 45ish. I get along with these nurses VERY well at work and would easily call any of them my friends. At one point, someone mentioned my age and one of the husbands made the not-unexpected comment that he had children that age. It really amazed me how ~15 years difference in age could have that much of an impact in my comfort level with the situation.
Now, I know of 1 person there (maybe 2? :)) that reads this blog and will be reading this entry. I also know that she won't take any of this the wrong way. So when I say "impact in my comfort level," I don't mean necessarily that I was uncomfortable. Just that I was not as comfortable as I thought I would be :) It was proposed at some point during the evening that we do this get-together every 3 months or so, and rotate houses. I think it was also suggested that my house be last :-) I don't have a formal dining room. I doubt my dining room table could even hold 10 people with both leaves in it; and even if it could, I don't have 10 chairs. And cooking for 10 people! OH MY GOD! I don't even cook for myself. And I certainly couldn't make anything as elegant or tasty as what our host made the other night.
Speaking of food, it wasn't only the wine that set me apart from everyone else. I tend to be extremely picky in my food choices. So not only did I not drink wine, I also did not partake of the whatever-it-was-appetizer-that-contained shrimp. At dinner, I didn't eat the carrots. I don't like carrots. But at least one person had to point this out and make a semi-big deal out of it, which DID make me very uncomfortable. When it came time for dessert, I took the nuts off the top of the cheesecake. I was the only one who didn't have a cup of coffee.
In short, I felt like a partial freak. They all did their best to make me feel included, and I think at the time, I did. But looking back, I'm kidding myself to think that I can be social like everyone else was being. I think even now I'm not explaining it right; exactly how I felt. I didn't feel included OR unincluded much of the time. I was "the quiet one" who was laughing at everyone's jokes and sincerely enjoying listening to the conversation about everyone's experiences with... well, with life, I guess. I kind of just felt as though I hadn't had enough of this life thing to be able to keep up with everyone else. I feel flattered on some level, that they all consider me to be mature enough to do such things with, but I think on some levels, I just wasn't up to par.
I wish I could explain it better. I think actually that it wouldn't matter how old my co-guests were. I'm not any more outgoing, really, with a group of people that are my age. I immensely enjoy listening to everyone else. I just don't usually contribute. I wonder why that is.
Posted by
geena
on Sunday, November 16, 2003 at 11:55 PM
Comments (6)
Comments
Posted by kev on November 17, 2003 12:03 PM
You know, I can totally relate to this.
I'm a somewhat more inclusive eater, but when there's MUSHROOMS on my plate, I pick those effing things off. And yeah, it gets stares.
I like most wines most of the time, but usually I just want a coke. And yeah, it gets noticed. Makes me feel like I'm at the kid table.
And I'm perennially underdressed. I don't know how to dress "nicely", nor is it top among the things I do want to learn.
You who know me know that I am a talker. But there's a certain group size (6?) past which I clam up. Especially if I perceive that the rest of the people there know each other already, or fit in with each other better than I do. Then I just sit and observe, sipping my coke and picking off my mushrooms, wishing they had a dog. If they had a dog, I could play with the dog and there'd at least be one person there I felt comfortable with. Not to mention I could feed the mushrooms to the dog.
And I totally hear you on the world travel thing. I hope that both of us get to travel like these people have by the time we're that old, but right now... not a whole lot to contribute.
In small groups it's a lot better. I can always find stuff to say. If they're talking about Thailand or whatever, I just jump in and start asking them all kinds of questions about it. I make no secret of my ignorance. I have confidence that my overall personality will make me worth talking to even if my worldly experience does not. But when it's a bigger event, I attach myself to the wall.
What is my point with all this?
The reason you felt like a partial freak is in part because you ARE a partial freak. :) So am I.
There is this concept of the "dinner party" that exists and it sounds like this one was very typical. There's something inherently snobbish about it. Look how suave and cultured we are.
I doubt you'd enjoy the next one that much more, so don't go. Invite the people you like to join you for something FUN instead. Maybe a game night at your house. Don't worry about your house not being as cool as theirs; they probably didn't even have a house when they were 28. Or maybe they did. Whatever.
Seriously, JUST BE YOURSELF.
Posted by Donna on November 17, 2003 12:49 PM
Hmm --- I hope you DO come to the nextone, because each gathering will be different, and each one will take on the flavor and character of the host and hostess --- we are all different and we all try to find common ground so that there would be something to talk about (did you notice that my honey brought his book of wood-working? he didn't do that to brag" of show off . Believe it or not, he is VERY shy... he brought it as his security blanket, so that if he didn't have anything to talk about with people, he could go over the book with them). the advantage we have of "age" is that we know where our comfort (and discomfort)levels are, and sort of prepare in advance. Believe it or not, there were many evenings where I was the "quiet" one ---and enjoyed listening to other people's stories with little to contribute but my appreciation, laughter and questions. I was often the "young one", especially considering that my husband is 12 years my senior, as were most of our friends and business associates. What I learned was that asking questions was a great way to feel included in conversation -- and sometimes as a result, some common ground can be found. If not, I just enjoyed watching others enjoy their lives. (by the way, I didn't eat the carrots either ... and just sniffed at the beef. Many times I'm at peoples houses that cook food I don't like ... you just get crafty in how you hide it!) So, you are NOT a freak, you are YOU, and we cherish every morsel of you and all that you have to offer. perhpas we were just alittle to loud and rambunctious to "let you in" to the conversation. Also, another aside ... If I were to count how many words I acually said that evening, I think you would be surprised at how little I actually talked --I more mingled and drifted from group conversation to group conversation. In fact, there were times when I removed myself from the main melee and sought refuge in the quieter room, enjoying the music and the quieter convesation of the others also trying to find common ground.
Given the tremendous wedding that you just organized, i know that you can have a creative evening in your great house --- one unique to you, just like your wedding, and one that we will all love (just like your wedding guests) -- because it is YOU and the creative genius that you are. Hell, we could just call in for pizza, and have fun making nampkin rings together or something! it doesnt HAVE to be dinner --- just a fun gathering. How about an Ice Cream sundae making party? now THAT would be FFFUUUNNNNN! :-) Also, the "guys" will all know each other a little better, and we won't all be "trying" so hard to fit in. The guys were truly nervous because they knew we women all had a strong bond and much in common, and even our "in jokes." So, they walked in the door with a bit of apprehension themselves. Truly, first encounters like this are a little awkward, and we all really do "work" at it.
You are right, I don't take any of what you said in the wrong way, just as I know you didn't take any of that evening the wrong way. Always be yourself, that's what we all love about you!
Posted by Hanzogod on November 18, 2003 03:53 PM
Geena,
You're not alone. I tend to hang back and just observe unless I'm friends with most of the people in the group. Even in a group of friends, where I know everybody, I sometimes feel like a partial freak. But I think this is a planet full of partial freaks. Every common bond you have with Dave or any of your college friends might be a little off-putting to someone with different experiences. When I was in trucker school, it was me, another guy my age, and half a dozen guys in their thirties and forties. They all thought I was some kind of weirdo, including the guy that was my age, just because I had two earrings and purple hair and came from the city. I couldn't talk about life growing up in a tiny town, or life on the farm. Where I live now, a lot of the people have multi-colored hair and piercings. The guys without tattoos, piercings, or colored hair feel out of place there. They can't discuss the feelings that come with the first tattoo, or which piercing hurt the most... In both cases, the group is/was very accepting of the odd one out, but it's a little uncomfortable at first. We just go through life trying to find the common ground with all the other partial freaks... I say, go next time. Learn what you can about their experiences, relate what you can to your own experiences, and share your interests. I bet when you talk about what you love, they'll learn about it and relate it to their own lives...
Posted by geena on November 19, 2003 03:07 PM
WOW! Such long comments. Thanks, guys... I'm feeling much better :)
And Donna... excellent idea about the sundaes!
Posted by Tom on November 20, 2003 12:35 PM
It could be worse, Geena. I noticed awhile back that my reaction to being in a group of people that I didn't know very well was to make jokes. I'd have been the jerk picking on you about the carrots. I like the people I work with, but I won't do anything with them outside of working hours more complex than "stopping to have a drink" because I know that I'll just make an ass of myself and embarrass Diane. In any case, I feel better about myself for knowing that other people around my age have ended up surrounded by older people.
Posted by Kristin on November 20, 2003 04:45 PM
Geeners, you might find this hard to believe, but I feel the same way SO MUCH MORE than you would believe. It's hard for everyone sometimes to be in that type of situation. You are not a freak. (I'm reserving judgement on Kevin, though. He may very well be. ;)) You are completely normal. I think what Donna posted is perfectly well said, about the older we get, the more we'll know how to find our comfort levels and deal with ways of hiding the discomfort and/or making it comfortable for ourselves. If that makes any sense. Anyway, just wanted to add that.
*hugs*
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