Well, more accurately, the hygenist made me cry. I've never cried at the dentist before, not through 4 years of orthodontics, not when the oral surgeon barbarically shoved guaze into the dry socket my wisdom teeth left, not even when the dentist filled a small cavity sans novocaine. (So yes, only one of these examples involves an actual dentist as opposed to a dentally-related specialty, but you get the point.)

All of those things caused varying degrees of pain (the dry socket taking the cake by a long shot) but I have remained steadfast in my composure.

Until today.

I went in for my 6 month cleaning and check up. For many many years I have had one tooth that has given me trouble off and on. Whatever's wrong down there causes pain when eating anything sweet, or to a lesser degree, anything cold. My dentist in Illinois "desensitized" it, whatever that means, and it's been fine for years.... until about a month ago, when it started acting up again. Knowing I had an appointment today, I lived with it.

I told the hygenist about it (who, I must point out, is one of the most thorough and educational hygenists I've ever had) and she entertained me with facts about tooth sensitivity. She said it was due to acid from fruits or vinegar dressings. When I told her that I can eat an orange without a grimace, and I don't consume vinegar dressings, she looked puzzled. I told her that chocolate is the biggest pain-causer. When I eat chocolate, if I chew it with the left side of my mouth, that tooth hurts. When I drink something afterwards, it goes away. She then suggested using Sensodyne and I told her that I've already been doing that for years. She then went on about a few more possible causes (all related to acid somehow) and how I could fix it.

One suggestion she made was to brush that area very gently, dry it off with a paper towel and put Sensodyne directly on the area for about a minute. All the while, she's got that little Toothpick From Hell instrument that seems to be migrating closer and closer to the Sensitive Area. She starts scraping a little and I'm pleased to realize that it doesn't really hurt. She squirts some water there, and it gives a brief moment of discomfort, but I can handle it.

Then she starts with that little instrument that is dipped in some randomly flavored polishing goo and starts polishing. All is well. I'm barely aware as she nears Sensitive Area. Not for long, however... when she started polishing that tooth, it caused quite a bit more discomfort than I had expected. Enough so that I made her quit polishing that particular area. She then informs me that the flavor of the polishing stuff she's using is chocolate mint.

I'm sure there's no actual chocolate in the chocolate mint polishing goo, but for the LOVE OF GOD! Couldn't she have chosen some other flavor? Just for karma's sake alone? Anyway, Senstive Area is now throbbing somewhat and she says that now that she's polished away the plaque that was "protecting" the tooth from "desensitizing itself," now would be a "good time" to apply the Sensodyne to Sensitive Area. When I picture Sensodyne in my head, I picture soothing white paste. It has been my friend and tooth-pain reliever for years and years.

What she brought out was green (mint again, I suppose) and she dried the Area off, then proceeded to apply the green Sensodyne. I had been expecting instant "soothe" (because the Area was still a little tender from polishing) but what I got was what I've seen described before as white-hot electric lightning bolt pain. Tears sprang to my eyes unbidden and I think they definitely achieved saucer status. Morever, the pain was unrelenting! I think I was in the fetal position by the time she gave me (warm) water to rinse with.

She apologized and all that, but then suggested that we do it again! Oh yeah, sign me up for a repeat performance. Clearly she and the aforementioned oral surgeon partied at the same School of Dental Hell together. She insisted that it wouldn't hurt as much this time and that it would ultimately be beneficial. Like a damn idiot, I agreed. (How many times have I caused pain to a patient, repeatedly, "for their own good?") She applied the green stuff again, and I do have to admit that she was right. Instead of white-hot electric lightning bolt pain, I would describe it as a blue-searing-neon sort of pain. Aaaahhhh.

About this time, the dentist came in and she told him about the Senstive Area and that she made me cry. I'll grant her that she didn't sound proud of it, but she wasn't exactly oozing remorse, either. The dentist took a look around, concentrated on the Sensitive Area for 1.2 seconds more than the other parts of my mouth and proclaimed, "My dear, you have beautiful teeth!" He says this every single time, but instead of saying "thanks" this time, I glared at him and asked why, if they were so beautiful, did they hurt so much? He looked at Senstive Area for a few more seconds, then reached for what I thought was the irrigating water thingy. Since the cool water had only annoyed it before, I wasn't worried and figured he'd use it pinpoint the actual Problem Area. I was a little more wary, however, and braced myself for at least a red-hot-poker sort of pain.

What he actually grabbed was the little air nozzle thingy and started pushing air on my teeth. The first two "squirts" (can you squirt air??) were on Normal Areas and felt fine. The third squirt sent me into realms of uncharted pain territory. My friends, there is a classification of pain that is higher than white-hot electric lightning bolt pain, and I can only think to describe it as an iridescent voltaic hypersonic strike of pain that is from the sun. Because the human psyche is set up to protect the body at almost all costs, I found that I really had to consciously restrain myself from knocking the little air nozzle across the room and hitting my dentist as hard as I could.

He then mumbled something about having to fix that and told Ms. Hygenist that we would make another appointement to desensitize it, and to write down on the chart exactly where it was because as I have been told by 3 different dentists now, "There is nothing visibly wrong with That Area." Ms. Hygenist then asked how we were going to desensitize it, and he mentioned something about etching the tooth and filling it with resin.

Etching? I asked what etching meant, but Mr. Dentist had already fled. That left Ms. Hygenist to laugh ironically and tell me that etching is where you pour acid on the tooth. Apparently, normally it doesn't require novocaine. She averted her eyes and said that in my case, he'd probably have to anesthetize The Area.

Sure. You bet. Bring it on! ...Right after my dose of nitrous oxide, you sick sadistic dentites.